I advocate for the motto of BDSM be updated to: "𝐒𝐀𝐅𝐄, 𝐒𝐀𝐍𝐄, 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐒𝐔𝐀𝐋 & 𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐂𝐀𝐋"
Consent is not enough. Consent doesn’t mean a thing when BDSM and D/s play is not ethical. There is a need for the long time motto of “Safe, Sane and Consensual” to be updated because it infers that both partners hold an equal responsibility for the health of the relationship and play, which they do not. The inequality that is built into the Top/bottom or Dominant/sub dynamic is at the core of this extraordinary connection. The Top/Dominant, being in the power position, holds the ethical responsibility in BDSM scenes and D/s dynamics, so the bottom/sub’s consent alone is not enough for the play to be ethically valid.
A bottom/sub may consent to play that may not feel 100% in integrity within themselves based on many possible factors:
- Consenting out of a desire to please the Top/Dom or be obedient without careful regard for their own self-care
- Consenting because the idea of something seemed hot but doesn’t feel good during the scene
- Consenting while in neurochemically-influenced subspace
- Consenting from a lack of ability to stand up for oneself
- Consenting out of a compulsive addiction to a kink that is potentially mentally, emotionally, psychologically or financially damaging to oneself
- Consenting from a psycholopathologically imbalanced mental state
Because the Top/Dominant is responsible for creating the safe container for the play, whether it be in-person or virtual, an important part of their role is to protect the bottom/sub and ensure their well-being. A Top/Dom who practices conscious kink raises their level of awareness to that of an ethical mindset, which in turn is felt by the bottom/sub, who then feels more free to surrender into their Power.
When there is no safe container, it is not Conscious Kink. It is something else outside of classical BDSM, FemDom, MaleDom and D/s, which are complex and robust energy exchange dynamics built upon mutual respect, connection and trust.
I will be going into this topic more in-depth at my live lecture at DomConLA this year, called “Safe, Sane, Consensual and Ethical – the new motto of BDSM” on Friday, May 20, 2022 at 2:30pm. Go to DomConLA.com for tickets and more info. Hope to see you there!
#BDSMeducation
#ConsciousKink
